100 Hours in America

A quick recap of the last few days for those of you lucky enough not to own a television:

10. A BOOK ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN WIZARDS OR VAMPIRES IS CAUSING A STIR

A new book entitled "Game Change" which recounts the lead up to & events surrounding the 2008 election has sent quite the wave of tremors thru Washington, and thus is the top story on every newscast. This is a positive thing for 2 reasons: (1) it means a majority of americans will be forced to learn who the senate majority leader is and (2) americans will learn that the position is not one that is awarded upon winning a Donald Trump reality competition or consuming a variety of insects.

9. MARK MCGWIRE CAN'T TELL A LIE

For members of the American Coalition of the Blind or anyone with the blessing of vision but not the burden of attention, former slugger & future baseball Hall of Fame rejectee Mark McGwire (finally) admitted to using performance enhancing steroids. This joins other well kept secrets and previously unknown revelations such as the navigational difficulties of the Titanic, the questionable mental stability of Gary Busey and the insight that Clay Aiken might not be the ladies man he is portrayed as

8. SARAH PALIN CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH

Former vice presidential candidate, current GILF, and governor interrupted Sarah Palin has been hired by Fox News as a 'contributor' - which brings their network's endorsement of her full circle.

In yet another occurrence of the Alaskan native overcoming hardship, she was hired despite her very public battles with the english language. Apparently polished communications skills are only of minor concern when reporting the news. And to counter any concerns regarding her media credentials, she was able to cite the journalism degree she picked up, somewhere between her 4th and 5th university.

This new endeavor will give her the opportunity to take her folksy brand of wisdom & a voice that could strip wallpaper into the arena of 'news analysis' - a decision likely prompted by the limited amount of television exposure she has received thusfar.

The network recognized past accusations that Ms. Palin has a "casual" relationship with facts as well as the dubious veracity of many of her claims ("death panels") They put the viewers at ease by notifying them that she now operates under the NewsCorp brand - proving that the best thing about corporate backing is that it insulates you from such petty concerns as 'truth' or 'accuracy'

7. THE VATICAN DOESN'T LIKE 'AVATAR'

The pope says that the movie 'Avatar' gets dangerously close to calling for the worship of nature, and it makes sense that he would be concerned. As a man of the cloth its not his position to respect or care for a gift from God; a creation designed by & given to His followers by the almighty himself. And i contend that his issue with the film is a perfectly reasonable one:

i too would prefer to sing the praises of the architect that designed my house while ignoring that fact that its engulfed in flames.


6. NBC IS IN 4TH PLACE FOR A REASON

It seems that the folks at the peacock network have little to flash their plumage about. The experiment that was a 10pm Jay Leno has been canceled. The network wants to move Leno back to the 1130 - but only for a half hour.

Conan O'Brien, who took over "The Tonight Show" upon Leno's departure, would keep the "Tonight Show" brand name, but in a later time slot. And in an effort to offer some consistency in an otherwise inconsistent world, Jimmy Fallon would remain at 1am and continue to be unfunny

5. TV WILL BE MINUS 1 SNIDE BRIT - BUT ONLY TEMPORARILY

For a confrontational people that have no issue engaging those who hold different opinions, Americans certainly seem to enjoy being talked down - assuming the tongue lashing is delivered with a british inflection. And for them, some disappointing news: Simon Cowell will be leaving American Idol, the ratings juggernaut he helped to create, for a new venture, titled "X-Factor".

That's right, the televised karaoke competition that averages 26million viewers a week is losing its 2nd star in as many seasons. The show, which markets itself as a talent competition, employs a panel of judges that aside from Cowell, include a man most famous for not being Al Roker and a former pop star whose glory days last had her performing opposite an animated cat.

Viewers will have to get their condescending anglo fix from elsewhere - possibly "Supernanny", "Hell's kitchen" or "House". Yes, he's also a brit.

And to think - if not for some pissy Bostonians & a harbor full of tea we all could've sounded like that. Bugger

4. HARRY REID IS AN OLD MAN WHO LIVES IN THE DESERT

In "Game Change" (see #10) Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was quoted as saying, prior to the Barack Obama's candidacy, that he was a 'light-skinned' African American "with no Negro dialect unless he wanted to have one" and that the U.S. would be "ready to embrace a black presidential candidate, especially one such as Obama"

The controversy stems from his choice of words - namely "negro dialect" which led to questions of exactly what constitutes a "negro dialect" and whether such phrasing was appropriate. Very little attention was paid to whether or not his statement was correct.

The opposition party, including its official spokesperson RNC Chair Michael Steele, immediately pounced on the gaffe, demanding that the senator resign on the grounds that similar comments made by Trent Lott led to his eventual resignation.

Steele & his party members were referring to the now infamous remarks made by then-Senate Majority leader Trent Lott at the 100th birthday of South Carolina senator & witness to the Louisiana Purchase Strom Thurmond. Lott proferred that his home state proudly supported Thurmond's candidacy and that "had the rest of the country followed our lead we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years."

This statement was a reference to Strom Thurmond's failed 1948 Dixiecrat presidential candidacy when he ran on a segregationist platform. To Recap: This was the senior Senator from Mississippi and then-Senate Majority Leader citing pride in his home state's support of a segregationist candidate - a violent, unequal and discriminatory system that was pro-racist, pro-separatist and in favor of a racial hierarchy system. A system that would've placed RNC Chair Michael Steele firmly at the back of the bus or the end of a rope.

OK. On second thought, this one *is* gonna require its own post. Sorry for the tease

3. BILL CLINTON'S TONGUE CONTINUES TO MISBEHAVE

The book previously cited (#10) also makes mention of a conversation between former President Bill Clinton and the late Ted Kennedy while Clinton's wife and current Secretary of State was herself seeking the presidency. During the first few rounds of campaigning many Democrats were vying for the nomination, including Kennedy's old friend CT Senator Chris Dodd. Once his poor showing in the Iowa made it apparent he wouldn't be continuing his campaign, Bill saw an opportunity. Knowing the value of Kennedy's endorsement he went to see Teddy on his wife's behalf. At one point in their conversation he made reference to then candidate & senator Obama by saying " a few years ago he would've been getting us coffee". Some say that that remark sealed the deal and ensured Kennedy's endorsement of Obama

There's really no joke here, except to say that for a guy known for his rampant sexual exploits & infidelity, this was one instance where he definitely screwed his wife.

i guess there was a joke there after all

2. SPIDER-MAN 4 NO MORE

Columbia Pictures, Marvel Studios and film director Sam Raimi could not come to an agreement regarding, among other things, which villain would star opposite the webslinger. In the ensuing time, Raimi left the production, as did star Tobey McGuire. Its difficult to determine if the departure of either the director or the star was the impetus for the subsequent reboot, or if the director found the studio's demands untenable, and such a proposed time jump would make its 38-year-old star a non-viable option.

If there is an upside to this, it might be the missed opportunity for Kirsten Dunst to stare blankly at the camera with a vacant look in her eyes betraying nothing aside from a concern that everyone is noticing how her teeth collapse in on themselves.

1. CES IS PORN FOR GADGET GEEKS - AND APPROPRIATELY TAKES PLACE IN VEGAS

This weekend saw the International Consumer Electronics Show 2010 come to an end. The annual event commonly called CES is a showcase for the new technology that will be lusted after and filling the living rooms, backpacks and purses of american consumers until they lose interest and begin throwing rocks at passing cars or engage itheir children in conversation.

The biggest products were tablets, e-readers and 3D television

While a dozen companies had e-readers on display all designed to both rival and steal the thunder of the Amazon Kindle and the Barnes & Noble Nook, the real motivation behind the new wave of tablets was to outdo the never before seen & possibly non existent apple tablet. Multiple PC manufacturers are building what they hope will be the iTablet killer.

You read that right: they're building a product to outsell a device that doesn't yet exist. There is also speculation that designs have leaked onto the internet for a addle that fits perfectly onto the backs of unicorns

Aside from the e-readers & tablets there was the overwhelming & unavoidable presence of 3D televisions - which many insiders reveal was a last minute decision by many major electronics manufacturers. which is to say 2 weeks prior to the show tv makers started posting cryptic info on their product pages so they could claim a device was forth coming. All prompted by the popularity of the film "Avatar" (see #7)

So that's the new hotness: 3D television. As if between the E! Channel, TMZ, Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight and Extra! americans didn't have enough methods by which to feed their creepy fixation on celebrities, now they can (almost) literally have them in their living rooms.

And while Buffy & Angelina are more than welcome to come by, McConaughey is gonna have to observe the 'No Shoes, No Shirt" policy - and i honestly don't have nearly enough weed for both him AND Lil Wayne.

... and that's just the last hundred hours