A Supposedly Funny Thing I'll Never Do Again

I, like others i'm sure, occasionally find myself engulfed in an enviable night of questionable circumstances only to be followed by an inevitable morning of circumstantial questions. And while this might make for great fodder in the guise of a wedding toast or a Nicolas Cage film (master thespian that he is) it rarely precedes an outcome that doesn't include an ER visit, a collect call from Mexico or a copy of "Penicillin: The Home Game"

That being said - and with events redacted in keeping with whatever court ordered arrangement and/or contractual compliance agreement i've signed - here are 25 things that i never expected to say subtitled and certainly didn't expect to say a mere 6 weeks into the new year.

25. really - "classically trained" ? cos i've heard cats fuck with more harmony.

24. i'll have the chai.

23. i recommend limiting what u say during sex to moaning & cardinal directions.

22. Aaaah Congress: Where policy comes to grab its ankles.

21. Villains & mad scientists are gonna do villainous & mad sciencey shit. It's right there in their title.

20. OK - enough with the Lady Gaga jokes.

19. seriously, u wanna delete those cookies & clear the cache - or we are Both going to jail.

18. i hope i can fit into that by spring.

17. well, there is a darkside to the full facial tattoo.

16. Ooh. Gordon Lightfoot. Turn it up!

15. i have made a huge mistake.

14. i'm not normally prone to hyperbole - but this might be the worst thing that's ever happened. Ever.

13. Ugh. my dog is a slut.

12. the reason it's called a slippery slope is cos no one walks down it.

11. we're gonna need to pick up the pace. i think i hear banjos.

10. well, it would seem that the Crimson Tide is playing at home this week.

9. i'll be referring to myself in the 3rd person for the remainder of this press conference.

8. don't make me muff punch u in your girl business

7. i'm all out of interesting philosophers. i'm gonna start paraphrasing myself.

6. bring me a fatted goat & all the mead in the land.

5. that actually might've been more pleasant with clothes on.

4. i just threw up blue. is there a chance that last night we killed & ate a smurf ?

3. there's a very real possibility that i've been wrong about everything.

2. Hey, get your thumb out of that kids ass!

1. what would Jesus do? well, i know he wouldn't cock block.

Yep, i'd say the new year is off to a strong start.