The New Adventure of Old Christine

Until recently, the Delaware senate seat vacated by Joe Biden received little attention. That changed this past Tuesday when nine-term congressman Mike Castle, the longest serving Representative in Delaware history, was defeated by Tea Party backed contender Christine O'Donnell. The upset adds Mr. Castle to the growing list of incumbents ousted by a candidate that had the support of the ultra right leaning "grassroots” movement.

Interestingly enough, while Ms. O’Donnell is seen by her supporters as an outsider, she may be anything but. Though not well known on the national stage, locally that's hardly the case. She has campaigned for the Delaware Senate seat 3 times in the last 5 years - essentially making her what some call a professional republican candidate. This alone might seem suspect enough, but the characterization is compounded by incendiary statements made by her own staffers. Former campaign manager Kristin Murray was quoted as saying of Ms. O’Donnell "she was living off campaign donations" and is "not a legitimate conservative, but in fact was just looking to make a buck."

But even with this apparent backbiting, perhaps the strangest development on an otherwise unremarkable GOP primary night is the backlash from establishment party members - in a party widely known for presenting a united front.

Prior to the election, Tom Ross, chair of the Delaware State GOP told the LA Times that "Sadly, Christine's just not really a legitimate candidate in Delaware." Sen. John Cornyn, head of the NRSC, charged with the task of getting Republicans elected and re-elected to Senate, called an O’Donnell challenge to a Democrat in November “a serious issue” and asked that, in the event of an O’Donnell primary victory, funding be pulled from the Delaware senatorial race.

If the establishment GOP appeared hostile prior to primary night, those feelings only intensified in its wake. In a move uncharacteristic of a defeated primary challenger, Mr. Castle stated that he would not be endorsing his opponent. Speaking of Ms. O'Donnell, a senior aide to the Congressman told Politico "she is a con artist who won by lying about Mike Castle's positions and her own life."

After the results were in and all that remained was for Mr. Castle to concede, Fox News started in on analysis of the race. In an interview on the network’s program Hannity, Karl Rove - referred to as "Bush's brain" and widely credited as the architect of the 2000 and 2004 presidential victories - aggressively questioned Ms. O'Donnell’s past on a myriad of issues, including the time frame in which she received her bachelor’s degree, an IRS inquiry into unpaid taxes, the foreclosure on a house she owned, and how she had provided for herself over the last 5 years. Unsurprisingly, Mr. Hannity defended the primary victor and questioned Mr. Rove’s apparent lack of support for a fellow conservative.

In regard to the past referenced by Mr. Rove, it appears that prior to her role as professional candidate, Ms. O'Donnell was the founder and president of an organization called The S.A.L.T (The Savior's Alliance for Lifting the Truth). In that capacity she acted as a full time advocate on behalf of many ultra conservative positions. Some topics on which she made her views known included:

Women in the Military: “By integrating women into particularly military institutes, it cripples the readiness of our defense.”… “West Point has had to lower their standards in order for men and women to compete"…"You will cripple the defense of our country if you lower the standards at all."

University Accommodations: She has spoken out against "co-ed floors" and "co-ed bathrooms" at colleges, stating "what’s next? orgy rooms? ménage a trios rooms?"

Contraception and Disease Prevention: Aside from referring to condoms as “anti-human”, she also stated "condoms will not protect you from AIDS. The federal government should not be telling young people to use condoms. It's also an insult to teenagers, reducing them to the level of a dog that can't control its hormones."

Masturbation: “Lust in our hearts is committing adultery. You can’t masturbate without lust.”

Aside from her keenly articulated opinions on sex, self abuse and the housing choices of college students, she also believes that global warming is an elaborate scam. This disclosure is relevant for two reasons: first, the view that humans have little to no effect on changes in the environment is a commonly held one among Tea Party members and the candidates they support. And the corollary, that as Mr. Castle exits the race, so goes the last republican senate candidate that believed in the existence of climate change. To encapsulate that notion: EVERY republican candidate for the U.S. Senate in 2010 is a global warming denier.

But despite a barrage of criticism, some legitimate and some likely bitterness brought on by the defeat of an establishment candidate, Ms. O’Donnell may represent an entirely new breed of politician - one who is candid about a matter on which many others would obfuscate: when asked if she would send out 8x10 bikini pictures of herself to attract “blue collar voters”, she was quoted as saying “I’m not concerned with the reason you vote for me as long as you vote for me.”

A Supposedly Funny Thing I'll Never Do Again

I, like others i'm sure, occasionally find myself engulfed in an enviable night of questionable circumstances only to be followed by an inevitable morning of circumstantial questions. And while this might make for great fodder in the guise of a wedding toast or a Nicolas Cage film (master thespian that he is) it rarely precedes an outcome that doesn't include an ER visit, a collect call from Mexico or a copy of "Penicillin: The Home Game"

That being said - and with events redacted in keeping with whatever court ordered arrangement and/or contractual compliance agreement i've signed - here are 25 things that i never expected to say subtitled and certainly didn't expect to say a mere 6 weeks into the new year.

25. really - "classically trained" ? cos i've heard cats fuck with more harmony.

24. i'll have the chai.

23. i recommend limiting what u say during sex to moaning & cardinal directions.

22. Aaaah Congress: Where policy comes to grab its ankles.

21. Villains & mad scientists are gonna do villainous & mad sciencey shit. It's right there in their title.

20. OK - enough with the Lady Gaga jokes.

19. seriously, u wanna delete those cookies & clear the cache - or we are Both going to jail.

18. i hope i can fit into that by spring.

17. well, there is a darkside to the full facial tattoo.

16. Ooh. Gordon Lightfoot. Turn it up!

15. i have made a huge mistake.

14. i'm not normally prone to hyperbole - but this might be the worst thing that's ever happened. Ever.

13. Ugh. my dog is a slut.

12. the reason it's called a slippery slope is cos no one walks down it.

11. we're gonna need to pick up the pace. i think i hear banjos.

10. well, it would seem that the Crimson Tide is playing at home this week.

9. i'll be referring to myself in the 3rd person for the remainder of this press conference.

8. don't make me muff punch u in your girl business

7. i'm all out of interesting philosophers. i'm gonna start paraphrasing myself.

6. bring me a fatted goat & all the mead in the land.

5. that actually might've been more pleasant with clothes on.

4. i just threw up blue. is there a chance that last night we killed & ate a smurf ?

3. there's a very real possibility that i've been wrong about everything.

2. Hey, get your thumb out of that kids ass!

1. what would Jesus do? well, i know he wouldn't cock block.

Yep, i'd say the new year is off to a strong start.

100 Hours in America

A quick recap of the last few days for those of you lucky enough not to own a television:

10. A BOOK ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN WIZARDS OR VAMPIRES IS CAUSING A STIR

A new book entitled "Game Change" which recounts the lead up to & events surrounding the 2008 election has sent quite the wave of tremors thru Washington, and thus is the top story on every newscast. This is a positive thing for 2 reasons: (1) it means a majority of americans will be forced to learn who the senate majority leader is and (2) americans will learn that the position is not one that is awarded upon winning a Donald Trump reality competition or consuming a variety of insects.

9. MARK MCGWIRE CAN'T TELL A LIE

For members of the American Coalition of the Blind or anyone with the blessing of vision but not the burden of attention, former slugger & future baseball Hall of Fame rejectee Mark McGwire (finally) admitted to using performance enhancing steroids. This joins other well kept secrets and previously unknown revelations such as the navigational difficulties of the Titanic, the questionable mental stability of Gary Busey and the insight that Clay Aiken might not be the ladies man he is portrayed as

8. SARAH PALIN CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH

Former vice presidential candidate, current GILF, and governor interrupted Sarah Palin has been hired by Fox News as a 'contributor' - which brings their network's endorsement of her full circle.

In yet another occurrence of the Alaskan native overcoming hardship, she was hired despite her very public battles with the english language. Apparently polished communications skills are only of minor concern when reporting the news. And to counter any concerns regarding her media credentials, she was able to cite the journalism degree she picked up, somewhere between her 4th and 5th university.

This new endeavor will give her the opportunity to take her folksy brand of wisdom & a voice that could strip wallpaper into the arena of 'news analysis' - a decision likely prompted by the limited amount of television exposure she has received thusfar.

The network recognized past accusations that Ms. Palin has a "casual" relationship with facts as well as the dubious veracity of many of her claims ("death panels") They put the viewers at ease by notifying them that she now operates under the NewsCorp brand - proving that the best thing about corporate backing is that it insulates you from such petty concerns as 'truth' or 'accuracy'

7. THE VATICAN DOESN'T LIKE 'AVATAR'

The pope says that the movie 'Avatar' gets dangerously close to calling for the worship of nature, and it makes sense that he would be concerned. As a man of the cloth its not his position to respect or care for a gift from God; a creation designed by & given to His followers by the almighty himself. And i contend that his issue with the film is a perfectly reasonable one:

i too would prefer to sing the praises of the architect that designed my house while ignoring that fact that its engulfed in flames.


6. NBC IS IN 4TH PLACE FOR A REASON

It seems that the folks at the peacock network have little to flash their plumage about. The experiment that was a 10pm Jay Leno has been canceled. The network wants to move Leno back to the 1130 - but only for a half hour.

Conan O'Brien, who took over "The Tonight Show" upon Leno's departure, would keep the "Tonight Show" brand name, but in a later time slot. And in an effort to offer some consistency in an otherwise inconsistent world, Jimmy Fallon would remain at 1am and continue to be unfunny

5. TV WILL BE MINUS 1 SNIDE BRIT - BUT ONLY TEMPORARILY

For a confrontational people that have no issue engaging those who hold different opinions, Americans certainly seem to enjoy being talked down - assuming the tongue lashing is delivered with a british inflection. And for them, some disappointing news: Simon Cowell will be leaving American Idol, the ratings juggernaut he helped to create, for a new venture, titled "X-Factor".

That's right, the televised karaoke competition that averages 26million viewers a week is losing its 2nd star in as many seasons. The show, which markets itself as a talent competition, employs a panel of judges that aside from Cowell, include a man most famous for not being Al Roker and a former pop star whose glory days last had her performing opposite an animated cat.

Viewers will have to get their condescending anglo fix from elsewhere - possibly "Supernanny", "Hell's kitchen" or "House". Yes, he's also a brit.

And to think - if not for some pissy Bostonians & a harbor full of tea we all could've sounded like that. Bugger

4. HARRY REID IS AN OLD MAN WHO LIVES IN THE DESERT

In "Game Change" (see #10) Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was quoted as saying, prior to the Barack Obama's candidacy, that he was a 'light-skinned' African American "with no Negro dialect unless he wanted to have one" and that the U.S. would be "ready to embrace a black presidential candidate, especially one such as Obama"

The controversy stems from his choice of words - namely "negro dialect" which led to questions of exactly what constitutes a "negro dialect" and whether such phrasing was appropriate. Very little attention was paid to whether or not his statement was correct.

The opposition party, including its official spokesperson RNC Chair Michael Steele, immediately pounced on the gaffe, demanding that the senator resign on the grounds that similar comments made by Trent Lott led to his eventual resignation.

Steele & his party members were referring to the now infamous remarks made by then-Senate Majority leader Trent Lott at the 100th birthday of South Carolina senator & witness to the Louisiana Purchase Strom Thurmond. Lott proferred that his home state proudly supported Thurmond's candidacy and that "had the rest of the country followed our lead we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years."

This statement was a reference to Strom Thurmond's failed 1948 Dixiecrat presidential candidacy when he ran on a segregationist platform. To Recap: This was the senior Senator from Mississippi and then-Senate Majority Leader citing pride in his home state's support of a segregationist candidate - a violent, unequal and discriminatory system that was pro-racist, pro-separatist and in favor of a racial hierarchy system. A system that would've placed RNC Chair Michael Steele firmly at the back of the bus or the end of a rope.

OK. On second thought, this one *is* gonna require its own post. Sorry for the tease

3. BILL CLINTON'S TONGUE CONTINUES TO MISBEHAVE

The book previously cited (#10) also makes mention of a conversation between former President Bill Clinton and the late Ted Kennedy while Clinton's wife and current Secretary of State was herself seeking the presidency. During the first few rounds of campaigning many Democrats were vying for the nomination, including Kennedy's old friend CT Senator Chris Dodd. Once his poor showing in the Iowa made it apparent he wouldn't be continuing his campaign, Bill saw an opportunity. Knowing the value of Kennedy's endorsement he went to see Teddy on his wife's behalf. At one point in their conversation he made reference to then candidate & senator Obama by saying " a few years ago he would've been getting us coffee". Some say that that remark sealed the deal and ensured Kennedy's endorsement of Obama

There's really no joke here, except to say that for a guy known for his rampant sexual exploits & infidelity, this was one instance where he definitely screwed his wife.

i guess there was a joke there after all

2. SPIDER-MAN 4 NO MORE

Columbia Pictures, Marvel Studios and film director Sam Raimi could not come to an agreement regarding, among other things, which villain would star opposite the webslinger. In the ensuing time, Raimi left the production, as did star Tobey McGuire. Its difficult to determine if the departure of either the director or the star was the impetus for the subsequent reboot, or if the director found the studio's demands untenable, and such a proposed time jump would make its 38-year-old star a non-viable option.

If there is an upside to this, it might be the missed opportunity for Kirsten Dunst to stare blankly at the camera with a vacant look in her eyes betraying nothing aside from a concern that everyone is noticing how her teeth collapse in on themselves.

1. CES IS PORN FOR GADGET GEEKS - AND APPROPRIATELY TAKES PLACE IN VEGAS

This weekend saw the International Consumer Electronics Show 2010 come to an end. The annual event commonly called CES is a showcase for the new technology that will be lusted after and filling the living rooms, backpacks and purses of american consumers until they lose interest and begin throwing rocks at passing cars or engage itheir children in conversation.

The biggest products were tablets, e-readers and 3D television

While a dozen companies had e-readers on display all designed to both rival and steal the thunder of the Amazon Kindle and the Barnes & Noble Nook, the real motivation behind the new wave of tablets was to outdo the never before seen & possibly non existent apple tablet. Multiple PC manufacturers are building what they hope will be the iTablet killer.

You read that right: they're building a product to outsell a device that doesn't yet exist. There is also speculation that designs have leaked onto the internet for a addle that fits perfectly onto the backs of unicorns

Aside from the e-readers & tablets there was the overwhelming & unavoidable presence of 3D televisions - which many insiders reveal was a last minute decision by many major electronics manufacturers. which is to say 2 weeks prior to the show tv makers started posting cryptic info on their product pages so they could claim a device was forth coming. All prompted by the popularity of the film "Avatar" (see #7)

So that's the new hotness: 3D television. As if between the E! Channel, TMZ, Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight and Extra! americans didn't have enough methods by which to feed their creepy fixation on celebrities, now they can (almost) literally have them in their living rooms.

And while Buffy & Angelina are more than welcome to come by, McConaughey is gonna have to observe the 'No Shoes, No Shirt" policy - and i honestly don't have nearly enough weed for both him AND Lil Wayne.

... and that's just the last hundred hours